"All of the greatest adventures can be planned out entirely on the back of a beer-soaked napkin"
-David Lee Roth

"Things have a purpose. So the teleological reason for a dick is peeing and fucking... not, say, stirring martinis... most of the time."
-Tami's Philosophy professor

"When was the last time we burned someone at the stake? It's been too long."
-George Carlin

"Lesbians are cool 'cuz they sleep with women... just like us."
-Dave

"Hovering over the pit of hell, the devil observes that as a student falls past (with terminal velocity), the frequency of his scream decreases from 842 to 820 Hz. (a) Find the speed of descent of the student."
-Tipler Physics, 3rd ed.

"Fear not, I shall return. When the world is again in need of insanity. In September, when the summer draws to a close, the wind once again blows chill, and the evil forces return to their universities."
-Vol II, Issue XV